Collapse

Okay, so a friend tells me I'm overdoing it. I'm crying to everyone that I'm disciplined enough or organized enough to accomplish my goals - and everyone watching me thinks I need rest and to learn when to take a break. Am I in Bizarro World?

Had to swallow some pride with regard to a recent job offer. I could make much more money than was offered, and I have been used terribly, but this job is the best one for Faeron. I'm close to her daycare and won't have to move her again, and I know I can take off work if she's sick. So I let them treat me like they're doing me a favor by condiscending to offer me a permanent position. It hurts. I would have never done this before becoming a mother. I would have taken the good money and respect offered elsewhere. My supervisor is the only thing my company has going for it - and they don't even know it.

Perhaps this professional struggle has made everything too tiresome and everyone is right. But how to take a break? What do I sacrifice? I cannot give up any time with Faeron or in caring for her. Can't take less time at work. Can't skip the cooking or cleaning or laundry. WON'T skip the treadmill time... I'm stuck. There is no break for me.

Back to wishing I was more disciplined and organized. Anyone want a hit with this hammer?

Roller Coaster for Babies

Up, down, up, down...

I think I'm getting used to the cliched roller coaster that is my life. One week, I'm financially sound, healthy, happy, and hopeful; the next week, I'm sick, I'm broke and overdrawn, and I see no future and no way out of "this mess." No way out except to wait another week.

Then a friend leaves me a message on my voice mail asking me to tell her what I would need to be convinced of to change my mind about the war. Everything screeches to a halt.

Although her question was for a persuasion exercise she's doing for a class, she's done much much more by asking it. She's given me perspective - yet again.

My answer to her (followed by the perspective it gave me):

Got your message last night. I thought about this
all day today and I'm really stumped on how to answer. The problem is that
I'm not against the war, itself, but I'm against much much more than just the
war "on terror" in general.

I think many people like me feel this same disillusionment and hopelessness with regards to the country we love and the government we used to be so proud of. So much has surfaced, so much
evil that WE have done... that we continue to do in the name of democracy
that I no longer feel any ability to support my own country.

We have created the situation we now find ourselves in, and we continue to make it
worse by killing innocent people. Carloads of families - parents, children, grandparents - are murdered by U.S. soldiers simply because they did not know the rules and did not understand that they appeared to be a potential threat driving through a certain checkpoint on their way to a wedding or a
funeral or on the way to work. The surviving children will grow up to feel
the same way about what remains of the U.S. that the terrorists we fight today
feel. We create them. We are the monsters.

I think I would need to be convinced that we are contrite and aware of our
wrongdoing. I would need to be convinced that we are motivated to help
Iraq - no matter what - and that we will not desert her and leave yet another
country feeling victimized and betrayed by the United States.

Saddam Hussein is NOT paying for his crimes. This war punishes innocent people - whether it means to or not - by bring these "insurgents" from outside countries to Iraqi soil to fight us. The Iraqis
have been through enough. Now we bring our war to their home. Saddam is comfortable in a protected cell. If he is convicted of his crimes, any punishment he receives will be a blessing compared to what we have brought to the Iraqi children. What they are seeing and living with is not better
than what he did to them. It is only different. Yeah, so we have a
better motivation to be there "supposedly" - I bet they don't care about
anyone's motivation. They just don't want to die and watch their families
die anymore.

What could you say to convince me that we had any
right to do this now, as a result of the terrorist attacks on OUR soil?
Nothing.

Metaphor? We saw a gang hit our mother and
sister in a driveby shooting. In our grief we went and killed the innocent
family of a corrupt politician that we should have impeached long
ago.

It makes as much sense as the LA riots did. We are just
lashing out. We are not stopping or pursuing the terroists responsible for
Sept. 11th or many more horrible acts. We have just set up camp in Iraq
and invited them to the arena. We forgot people lived
there.

How's that for a rant? Did I make sense? I don't
know if this will help, but it's a very emotional version of my opposition right
now. I honestly don't know what could change my mind.

Okay, so I think I'm on a roller coaster. I think that a stubborn throat infection, a few hundred dollars of medical bills, and some stress about a temporarily overdrawn account makes for a bleak future?!!! If I saw me from the outside, right now, I would be disgusted.

No one is killing my family or my friends. I do not wonder who will be "in charge" of justice and law in my country tomorrow. I do not live with acceptance of fear and persecution and death. I do not leave my home sincerely hoping that I will come back alive and that my child will not die that day. Such thoughts are not part of my daily life.

My biggest problem is that I do not know how wonderful my life is. I take for granted all my wealth and my priviledge and my sheer luck to live where I live and to have what I have. I have done nothing to deserve any of this, but here I am. I am so removed from real problems that I think a bacterial infection is an issue.

Thanks for the perspective, Wendy - whether you meant to give it or not - you always seem to do that just when I need it. Hope your class goes well.

I'm tired but I don't sleep

Another night of better judgement cast to the wind as it is now after midnight and despite my exhaustion, I am up. I've decided to blog those thoughts that keep me from crawling into bed. Perhaps this outlet will give me satisfaction enough to be content to sleep.

I still owe a few of you your blogs. I love you and I miss you. Bear with me. Don't stop visiting yet. I have much to say to you about you.

Tonight my mind is full of answers and questions. Every answer in my life has lead to questions. Perhaps the standard order of things is screwed up. Our approach is all wrong. We should play answer and question games. Tests should be lists of answers requesting the questions they've inspired.

I have an interesting boss at my current job. I think he is a friend, but he keeps himself carefully controlled and keeps his cards to his chest. He is a brilliant man whom I admire, and I long for his friendship. Whatever else he is, he is a teacher. Bryan challenges me by ruffling my opinionated feathers. Much of what I would debate in his philosophy is yet too unknown for me to pick apart. It has been a long time since someone could present me with ideas I had never heard.

A conversation we had this evening after work has stayed with me.

But now even as I type this I do not think that I can put into words the concepts and new ideas that are attempting to take root in my head. This is a time to be still.

How I long to communicate even those things that cannot be expressed.

I read "Stillness Speaks" by Tolle and I hated it at first. Then, I calmed down and I could see the sense in some of what he wrote. Now, I cannot express my feelings on that either.

Is this change in me, yet again? Is this maturity?

I am becoming more calm these days (I know how that will disapoint some of you). My introspection's purpose is becoming less of a speech writing time and more of a truely private, in depth time of discovery.

In fact, it's so private that even I don't know what's going on yet.

So, I'm going to force myself to go to bed unsatisfied again. I have no new wisdom to share with my blog or with myself. Not because it is not there. Not because it is not becoming. But because it cannot be expressed.

Is this knowledge or a reboot of my mental hard drive?

Debbie

What do you say in front of the world about your best friend? How do I even begin? I knew you would be in my life forever that first night we talked. At 4:00 a.m. I wasn't even tired, I was exhilarated! You thought out things before you said them, and you had spent time on your opinions and observations. Where we disagreed, I learned. Where we agreed, I soared.

There are so many things about you that I admire, and so much I want to adopt in me. And so many of our weaknesses are so similar too (not all of them, I know, I know). I only wish I had your sense of style. I tried to decorate my apartment and found that it only looked good when I asked "what would Deb do here?" No. Seriously.

And you accept me - never pressure me to be someone I am not. You also never humor me or condiscend to imply that I am less for being me either.

It seems like you are a million miles away (how far is Oklahoma from California, anyway?), and that I haven't talked to you in forever. I get scared that we've lost our link, but then...

... we talk. Nothing changes. You just get me, you get ... it.

And you remind me that you have taught me that life is a teacher and the best people are intentionally students; that there is a carnival, a banquet set in front of us while we starve; that passion and knowledge and politics and philosophy and theology are all beauty even when wielded by a five-year-old; and that NO ONE CAN REPOSSESS WHAT IS IN MY HEAD.

And I hope that the journey that you have chosen to take this time will be your most amazing yet. This trip you'll take at home. And these memories won't just be memories (you know what I mean).

Love you, Deb.

The cure for all things...

... could it be the music you listen to?

For the first time in a long time (years, literally), I noticed I felt peaceful and normal for a few hours this weekend. Nothing in particular in my life changed that day, and I was alone, and I have no prescription for any drug going. However, I was listening to Louie Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald the entire time.

I take for granted the music that lifts me up, and makes me serene. I move, I get busy, I get involved, and I put it away. I don't realize how much I actually need certain music - certain songs - certain artists.

It's no secret that I'm a music lover, but until now, I thought that was a preference not an actual necessity in life. I'm going home tonight to dig out my Gloria Estefan, Earth Wind and Fire, Miles Davis, and Count Bassie. I should be able to solve the world's problems by 9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

Lu

Mary Lu Everett - will you marry me?

Heh heh, I guess, Lu and I still wish that the other was male so we could marry each other. I will always think that we were meant to be together more than we are and that something is very very wrong with the world.

[Sorry, but I think I'm gonna babble on this one]

Lu is that friend that I will always long for from time to time. She's the one that I can feel in the pit of my stomach - that missing place. That warmth, that joy, that solid strength that I miss in her literally hurts. I remember thinking that I finally got what it was to "adore" a friend. I just adore her - and I don't mean that in the flippant way we usually mean it when we say it.

I just connected with her in a way that I never had connected with anyone before and I never have since. There was this understanding between she and I that seemed to be on a near-blood level. It's like she instinctively became my friend. She's just irresistable!

I always trust her to genuinely like me (even when she doesn't) and she will be honest with me to a fault. She's just so solid... she should be taller. Her strength is immovable. The confirmation in her convictions is intimidating, and she KNOWS her Bible, man!

You taught me about prayer warring. Thank you.

And did you guys know that God made the stars just for her? I cannot look up at a clear sky at night without thinking of you, Lu.

I miss you, Lu, and I hope and pray that everything is wonderful where you are (Tennessee?). I hope you're still inspiring and pushing and teaching people around you. I'm sure you are.

Love you,
C

Wendy - The glue that has held us together

In many conversations, I hear myself talking about my “heart friends,” my soul mates. The few scattered women who have created me. The ones who truly know me and will always know me who I miss everyday are the ones I never see but constantly talk about, of course!

When one of those friends (Helen Harris) died last week, I immediately longed for the others. I wanted to reach out, fly to different cities, make phone calls, do whatever it takes to see each and everyone one of my soul mates again and let her know how I feel.
Lu inspired me with her blog about her “She Community” which has had me crying for days now. Why not? Why not blog a tribute to the gang that they can read? Well, don’t think that just because I’m blogging on each of you that I will fail to fly to you. I’m not done.

But I couldn’t do this without starting with Wendy, without whom I would have none of the others.

Lu’s right about you, Wendy. You are the “soul-lover who connects on deep levels with pretty much everyone,” and you are that friend who will not let us lose contact - that one true, unconditional love in my life that I count on to keep me from ever going completely under. Even in my worst, most unimaginable of bad times, while I lay crying on the floor, somewhere in the back of my mind, I know you’re still there for me. And you have created connections for me with so many other soul mates!

A long time ago, in a galaxy (called Los Angeles) far far away, I was standing in line for a movie by myself. A blue-eyed blonde with other-worldly beauty smiled at me and asked me if I was alone (and didn’t she just see me eating alone at a nearby restaurant?). I was invited to join her and her friend for the movie and within 24 hours I had one of the best friends I would ever have in my life.

I remember comparing Wendy to a sponge. She just sat there across from me at a table in Starbucks drawing everything out of me – my feelings, my life story, my heart – and I trusted her. Back then, I never trusted, but I trusted a girl I’d met only the day before.

Since then I have lived with Wendy, worked on projects with Wendy, sang with Wendy, Christmased with Wendy, sat up talking at Wendy until she fell asleep on me, and laughed and laughed and laughed with her (you guys know how amazing that laugh of hers is). And no matter where I go, what I do, who I become, or how hard I fight, Wendy will not let me get too far away. I never feel a distance or change in our friendship. I never feel like we “grow apart.” How is that possible? How does she do that?

But I only just realized that Wendy introduced me to Mary Lu, Debbie, Katy, Leticia, Sylvia, Shelley, Cindy, and Helen – women who would forever change my life and literally make me who I am.

And the last time that I spent time with Wendy, in person, was also the last time I would ever see Helen. If Wendy had not arranged our getting together, I would have missed that. Helen would never have met my daughter, Faeron, and I would not have that wonderful memory of the “Dread Mangos” weekend together – our last one.

Wendy, there is so much to say to you… about you. You are so encouraging and so accepting. You have taught me that the relationships in my life MAKE my life. You are the glue that holds the rest of us together, and I don’t know what would have happened to me without you.

I love you, dear Wendy (and I’ll bet I made you cry).

Little Faeries

Faeron and I went to the Midsummer Night's Faerie Ball at the Paseo District. It was the best thing she and I have done together, thus far.

Dressing my daughter (sometimes feels like "mini-me") in a faerie costume was enchanting enough, but then taking her to play and dance to celtic music with other little faeries... and watching a dance company perform as faeries... well, it was almost too much. The perfect combination of outdoor play and sparkly stuff was upon us!

I was impressed that Faeron didn't actually explode from the excitement. She chose a flower and had it quickly made into a faerie crown, and she immediately asked me if she could play in the grass. After watching Faeron run back and forth on the lawn for a few minutes, two other little faeries decided she looked like she'd be fun to chase.

Within minutes, there were fifty little faeries "frolicking" and chasing one another and playing ring-around-the-rosie. And I found that I was a little kid again just watching them. I could feel my little body and even smell memories came back, all in that one instant while my daughter was having the time of her life.

On our reaction to loss...

We few, who have missed each other for so long, are now thrown together again when one of us leaves for home. There is so much to say, but not right now... not at this moment.

In summary, Debbie, Wendy, Lu, Katy, Leticia, Syliva - not a day goes by that I don't think of you. At some point, each day, know that some memory, or some lesson, or some picture in my box has brought you up again and with it a longing deeper than I can explain.

What to do...

Helen

I'm sitting here still trying to accept that you will be out of my life for a while. I know I will see you again, but I don't know when and I don't know what you will be like then. I would really like to talk to you now about losing a friend (you) and ask you to pray with me about it. You would probably suggest we pray before I could even ask you anyway.

There are so many things I never said and so many things we never did and so much time was wasted on procrastination, financial concerns, and timing issues. That time could have been spent talking on the phone, driving to Houston or just writing you a letter.

Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for making me think. Thank you for making me pray. I miss you, Hellipoo...

but save me a seat, will ya?

- Conna