Missed you, L

An old friend called tonight to talk about something that has reached out to hurt her from her past. Our conversation felt so brief to me. I wanted to listen to her for hours.

I'm finding a hunger to talk with those friends who have that drive to keep growing and allowing God to sculpt their character.

My sister, you know who you are. I am praying for you, and I love love love you. Call me any time. It was wonderful to talk to you, and I know everything will be okay. I know it. This is war (prayer war on my face)!

Our conversation filled me up.

Have I been asleep?

I look back over my blogs since about 2006/2007 and I see the change I felt but did not understand. First, I allowed my depth, my insightfulness, my "naval gazing" to be stifled. Then, I carefully started to choose my words, so that my self-assuredness in my convictions was not so evident. Finally, I started talking only about surface things - those things that would impress and not reveal.

If any of you are still reading, you know that my voice changed, my heart hid, and my spirit suffered.

What you do not know is that I allowed it.

With each change in me, I told myself and God that I was only letting these people into my life for a little while. I was only letting them in a little bit. I was doing my usual list of excuses for entering into dangerous relationships. I am ashamed that I have still apparently not learned to flee those people that Proverbs so eloquently warns me about over and over and over and over.

You DO become like the people with whom you surround yourself. Even if you tell yourself that it's only a surface acquaintance. Truth is truth is truth. Why do I keep thinking I know better than God?

I feel like I am waking up after a long sleep. I have so much to make up for, and I hope that I have not lost some of you (you know who you are). I've been anti-social and distant, but it was not because I didn't want contact. I miss you all very much, and I hope I can spend some face to face time with some of you soon.