Yee-ha!

Martyr

I need just one more chair in the living room of the thimble we live in. The cats have taken over the couch (they are looooong cats), the coats have taken over the white chair, and Faeron has taken over the fuzzy orange chair.

I don't try to move the pets or the coats.

"Faeron, do you want to sit at your Dora table and color?"

"I am trrrrying to read this, mama," says the four year old who cannot read with an impatient sigh while she turns the page of the sales brochure we recieved in the mail.

In Faeron's little green Dora chair, my eyes are just level with the keyboard, so most of what I wanted to blog about just isn't worth the trouble tonight.

Enough already

I don't want to be apart anymore. I miss you guys.

I know we are scattered, and I know we all have lives where we are, but dammit, I want to see you, talk to you, have meals with you... on a regular basis.

I've been missing Helen and thinking about how we never know how long we have. We all keep talking about visits and "the next time" we'll see one another, but our plans are never guaranteed.

And I know you guys are going through things, right now, and I want to be there. I just want to be there to listen, or stare at the wall with you, or sit outside, or ride in the car.

Wendy, Debbie, Mary Lu, let's buy a house in South France and form a quirky, creative community. I can be packed in just under a week.

For your amuzement: A freak out

Face to face with my mortality yet again? What is it with me and near death? What am I supposed to learn that I am not learning, here?

... and will it eventually kill me?

I thought I was well. I keep hoping for hope - hoping for normal - hoping for peace for a season. But each season has it's natural disaster. Every spring has tornados. Every summer has fires. Every fall has hurricanes. Every winter has 100 year storms. Where is the season between the seasons? Where is resting and playing? Where is planning.... where is achieving?

And where will my little girl go without a mommy?

I have to learn it this time. I have to put a stop to these tests of character that I never pass somehow.

What? What?!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!!

Am I Bleeding?

Funny. I feel so vulnerable most of the time, but nothing seems to hit me. Then, something far away, supposedly removed stabs me right through the heart and I'm fearful that the pain will literally do physical damage.

People I have not heard from in years have, apparently, been spending a good deal of time in speculation over how they would be judging me were I there with them still. Their apparent disgust for me is so intense -to this very day - that a dear friend is fearful of admitting his association with me to them.

At the same time, I have just started hearing from these wolves in sheep's clothing as if they are friendly and caring towards me.

This group of people has always confounded me. They judged me harshly, years ago, for things I never did. I had no defense or understanding of the criticism of me that went on behind my back. I chose to let it go and walk away. It was poisonous to me and to my life. But they would not let it go. Everyone who came in contact with me was fed stories and judgements and some believed them while others came to me, baffled at the strange things they were hearing.

It has been 8 years since I spent any time with these people, and now I find out that they are still vapidly bonding with one another through mutual disgust and judgement of me based on made up stories.

What is this, and why? I have never known anything else like this in my entire adult life. Certainly, I have run across people who did not like me on occassion, but there was typically a true reason or disagreement philosophically that lead to the incompatibility. I am baffled by the motives of these people so long ago and far away. This phenomenon is strange and distressing. It feels, today, more important to me than I think it should be.

It hurts. Once, I was mislead to think these people were my friends - that one of them was my dearest friend. They never were. They had bad things in mind for me for entertainment's sake. Now I find out that they still do.

And they have asked to come visit me.