I'm tired but I don't sleep

Another night of better judgement cast to the wind as it is now after midnight and despite my exhaustion, I am up. I've decided to blog those thoughts that keep me from crawling into bed. Perhaps this outlet will give me satisfaction enough to be content to sleep.

I still owe a few of you your blogs. I love you and I miss you. Bear with me. Don't stop visiting yet. I have much to say to you about you.

Tonight my mind is full of answers and questions. Every answer in my life has lead to questions. Perhaps the standard order of things is screwed up. Our approach is all wrong. We should play answer and question games. Tests should be lists of answers requesting the questions they've inspired.

I have an interesting boss at my current job. I think he is a friend, but he keeps himself carefully controlled and keeps his cards to his chest. He is a brilliant man whom I admire, and I long for his friendship. Whatever else he is, he is a teacher. Bryan challenges me by ruffling my opinionated feathers. Much of what I would debate in his philosophy is yet too unknown for me to pick apart. It has been a long time since someone could present me with ideas I had never heard.

A conversation we had this evening after work has stayed with me.

But now even as I type this I do not think that I can put into words the concepts and new ideas that are attempting to take root in my head. This is a time to be still.

How I long to communicate even those things that cannot be expressed.

I read "Stillness Speaks" by Tolle and I hated it at first. Then, I calmed down and I could see the sense in some of what he wrote. Now, I cannot express my feelings on that either.

Is this change in me, yet again? Is this maturity?

I am becoming more calm these days (I know how that will disapoint some of you). My introspection's purpose is becoming less of a speech writing time and more of a truely private, in depth time of discovery.

In fact, it's so private that even I don't know what's going on yet.

So, I'm going to force myself to go to bed unsatisfied again. I have no new wisdom to share with my blog or with myself. Not because it is not there. Not because it is not becoming. But because it cannot be expressed.

Is this knowledge or a reboot of my mental hard drive?