This is one of those "seasons" in life where everything is chaotic and feels out of control and near hopeless. In trying to remind myself that this is a season, and not permanent, I realized that most of us are sharing it.
I'm battling financial troubles, single motherhood, health problems, indecision about where to live, and relationship struggles. I've worried until I ache.
I'm alive. I have a job. I have family and friends. I have a wonderful daughter. I can afford to eat.
While life's storms and wind buffet me about, perhaps it is best to just laugh and go limp and thank God that I still can.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Posted by Conan The Barbie at 8:13 PM
Sunday, August 22, 2010
An old friend called tonight to talk about something that has reached out to hurt her from her past. Our conversation felt so brief to me. I wanted to listen to her for hours.
I'm finding a hunger to talk with those friends who have that drive to keep growing and allowing God to sculpt their character.
My sister, you know who you are. I am praying for you, and I love love love you. Call me any time. It was wonderful to talk to you, and I know everything will be okay. I know it. This is war (prayer war on my face)!
Our conversation filled me up.
Posted by Conan The Barbie at 9:16 PM
I look back over my blogs since about 2006/2007 and I see the change I felt but did not understand. First, I allowed my depth, my insightfulness, my "naval gazing" to be stifled. Then, I carefully started to choose my words, so that my self-assuredness in my convictions was not so evident. Finally, I started talking only about surface things - those things that would impress and not reveal.
If any of you are still reading, you know that my voice changed, my heart hid, and my spirit suffered.
What you do not know is that I allowed it.
With each change in me, I told myself and God that I was only letting these people into my life for a little while. I was only letting them in a little bit. I was doing my usual list of excuses for entering into dangerous relationships. I am ashamed that I have still apparently not learned to flee those people that Proverbs so eloquently warns me about over and over and over and over.
You DO become like the people with whom you surround yourself. Even if you tell yourself that it's only a surface acquaintance. Truth is truth is truth. Why do I keep thinking I know better than God?
I feel like I am waking up after a long sleep. I have so much to make up for, and I hope that I have not lost some of you (you know who you are). I've been anti-social and distant, but it was not because I didn't want contact. I miss you all very much, and I hope I can spend some face to face time with some of you soon.
Posted by Conan The Barbie at 9:02 PM
Saturday, March 13, 2010
It is a fact... A FACT... that human beings are becoming more stupid and unreasonable. The reality that no one is doing a study on this and confirming it to the public is, in my opinion, why stress is increasing and health problems are getting worse. When you think you're losing your mind and the world is out to get you, typically, the rational response is the assumption that if it seems to be Everyone Else, then it must be you that's the problem. This is no longer the truth. The world as seen through Tim Burton's eyes may be more accurate than the world we nod to through the eyes of the media and the spurtings of our colleagues around the water cooler.
I'm tired of all the "what's wrong with the world" hand wringing resources out there. I think it's time to just offer an observation WITHOUT THE SHOCK a regular basis that people can calmly respond to with agreement. I'm not asking if reality television is to blame. I'm not asking which generation contributed the most to our character crisis. I'm not asking which religion or government is at fault for the chaos. I am simply noting that this world is chaotic, confused, lost, and unreasonable. We are all part of it, and we are all both right when we feel surrounded by maniacs and responsible when we participate. We all participate. It's useless to blame trends or movements. Each individual is to blame - everyone on earth - so blame is redundant now.
It is acceptable to act like a complete psychopath and still keep a job. It is acceptable to call customer service and expect to be treated like a little king because you are in a bad mood. It is acceptable to demand of everyone around you that they KNOW what you want someone to tell you, and if they do not, it is acceptable to judge them, slam them to other people, and if possible, do harm to their career, family life, friendships, and future.
Meanwhile, for no reason, it is acceptable to assume that no one else has any clue what he/she is talking about. It doesn't matter if this is an educated, experienced expert. If you once read the headline of a TMZ article on [insert typical modern starlette's name here], you know everything about addiction and are a pinnacle of wisdom on the subject. Any doctor who disagrees with you is an idiot. Then it is time to get condiscending and ask the other person if "we know what we are talking about" with the assumption that you are dealing with a half IQ point and a special needs employment case.
When observing "how awful" people behave on a reality show, also observe how much like them the world around you has become. If you live in a crowded area, you are bullied in some way multiple times daily. You may not even notice it anymore. If you do, it is wise to regard it with interest, rather than emotion. You will be victimized. It is not special to your situation.
"Why me?" is a pointless question. The important question is, "Am I responding correctly?" If the answer has anything to do with who is right or wrong, you are not. Don't let that worry you, though. No one else around you will be looking above petty greed, competition, pride, and self centeredness enough to notice that trend in you unless they are forced to deal with you on a daily basis, in which case, you may count them among the bullies that day along with three to four strangers in traffic, one or two people you will have to deal with at work, and anyone you will do business with when purchasing life needs (groceries, utilities, medical services).
The majority of the world - it is the majority, it does not just "seem that way" - is participating in bullying, mob mentality, and gleeful sadism on a regular basis without thought. I'm done being shocked and asking why. I will observe it with an attempt to be rational and objective, from now on, even in myself.
A spattering of observations for today without comment:
Posted by Conan The Barbie at 9:21 AM