Funny. I feel so vulnerable most of the time, but nothing seems to hit me. Then, something far away, supposedly removed stabs me right through the heart and I'm fearful that the pain will literally do physical damage.
People I have not heard from in years have, apparently, been spending a good deal of time in speculation over how they would be judging me were I there with them still. Their apparent disgust for me is so intense -to this very day - that a dear friend is fearful of admitting his association with me to them.
At the same time, I have just started hearing from these wolves in sheep's clothing as if they are friendly and caring towards me.
This group of people has always confounded me. They judged me harshly, years ago, for things I never did. I had no defense or understanding of the criticism of me that went on behind my back. I chose to let it go and walk away. It was poisonous to me and to my life. But they would not let it go. Everyone who came in contact with me was fed stories and judgements and some believed them while others came to me, baffled at the strange things they were hearing.
It has been 8 years since I spent any time with these people, and now I find out that they are still vapidly bonding with one another through mutual disgust and judgement of me based on made up stories.
What is this, and why? I have never known anything else like this in my entire adult life. Certainly, I have run across people who did not like me on occassion, but there was typically a true reason or disagreement philosophically that lead to the incompatibility. I am baffled by the motives of these people so long ago and far away. This phenomenon is strange and distressing. It feels, today, more important to me than I think it should be.
It hurts. Once, I was mislead to think these people were my friends - that one of them was my dearest friend. They never were. They had bad things in mind for me for entertainment's sake. Now I find out that they still do.
And they have asked to come visit me.
12 years ago
